‘Nonanswers’: Are You Speeding?

Impressed by the questions we ask in each day dialog however by no means discover a comfortable conclusion for, Nonanswers explores the sentiments, confusions and tribulations of Stanford college students. Each essay on this column might be centered round a well timed query, and might be structured round private experiences, conversations and tales from my time on campus. Be at liberty to submit a query for me to dissect, or ship me a solution (or nonanswer) for one which I ask.

Disclaimer: This essay will not be a press release on whether or not or to not be a part of Greek life, neither is it one on the morals and ethics of that call. Each of these subjects are far past my space of data and I’m writing solely about my private expertise. My story is considered one of making peace.

Standing in line outdoors of Cowell Cluster, I fidget with my title tag and take sluggish, deep breaths as ladies flitter round in flashes of pastel patterns and flowy materials. Coming into school, I didn’t think about myself as a sorority woman – I went to a highschool that was solely two p.c Asian and had by no means felt fairly or cool sufficient to meet the expectations of that picture. I’m additionally a little bit bit awkward and simply excited by area of interest conversations about chook calls and phrase origins, so regardless of having wonderful pals and an total constructive expertise rising up, there’s at all times been this sense of “otherness,” of being only a fraction too bizarre to slot in. Nonetheless, throughout my first two quarters at Stanford, I met individuals who appreciated the identical unusual enjoyable info that I did and made me really feel like possibly I could possibly be concurrently a nerd and fashionable. I additionally had conversations with girls in Greek life who described their experiences as constructive and totally different from the stereotypes related to the establishment. They spoke of how numerous and inclusive their respective sororities have been, and the way being in Greek life had opened up alternatives for them all through their Stanford experiences. When the portal opened in March, I discovered myself signing up for recruitment, hoping to discover a neighborhood of ladies the place I could possibly be myself, develop as an individual, and really feel at residence.

Though neither of them had been in a fraternity or sorority, my dad and mom have been supportive of my choice, and when my mother came around me in February, we went looking for outfits collectively. I advised her I used to be nervous and anxious about rejection, and he or she responded, “If you happen to settle for your self, no one else can reject you.” Earlier than she left to fly residence to New York, she, as soon as once more, reassured me that if I used to be true to myself, everyone would love me. I knew she was talking with a mom’s bias, but it surely was comforting to know that it doesn’t matter what, there was one individual on the planet who actually believed that about me.

Unexpectedly, the door flies open and music begins blaring. Women are screaming and leaping in entrance of me, and earlier than I can regain my stability, I’m whisked away to a nook, one-on-one with a chapter member. She’s smiling at me, asking how I’m feeling and telling me there’s completely nothing to fret about. Then come the questions.

“Inform me about your self!”

“How have you ever been adjusting to varsity?”

“What are you concerned in on campus?”

“If you happen to may do something you wished for the day, what would you do?”

“If you happen to have been a fruit, which one would you be?”

We bounce off of one another’s solutions, trying to find widespread floor and sharing tales and laughs. I ask her about Stanford and her sorority, and I kind of neglect that I’m alleged to be speaking about me and presenting myself as a precious potential new member (PNM). Quickly, she will get swapped in with a brand new woman and we undergo the questions and solutions once more. This continues repeatedly, home after home, and by the tip of the day, I’m exhausted and sick of myself, praying to by no means need to share the place I’m from and what dorm I’m in ever once more. On the identical time, although, I really feel energized and excited, having met so many new folks from a aspect of Stanford that I’d by no means seen earlier than. From hustling to make it to the subsequent home on time to standing in line, ready to be let in, I notice that everyone is simply as nervous and energetic as I’m, and it feels good to be in the identical boat. I’ve gathered a lot data via my numerous conversations, and I knock out as quickly as my head hits my pillow, hoping that tomorrow and the day after will as soon as once more go properly for me.

To get straight to the purpose, it doesn’t go properly – or a minimum of not how I hoped it might. On the second day, I’m stunned and elated to get again homes that I’m enthusiastic about, regardless of being minimize from others that I appreciated. The cycle repeats of talking to new folks and studying about every group’s values and philanthropies. I don’t have any detrimental interactions, however by my final occasion, I do know that there’s just one home that appears like residence, the place the conversations really feel easy and the place I see myself becoming in and thriving. I can’t sleep in any respect, as a result of my thoughts gained’t shut up. The following morning, I am going to brunch with my buddy and check out my very hardest to abdomen some meals and quell my anxiousness. After I lastly get my schedule for desire spherical, the house I believed I’d discovered isn’t on the record. The acquainted sensation of “otherness” is again.

In school, I’ve struggled in lessons, fumbled in social conditions, and handled craving, mind-numbing homesickness. Nonetheless, that is the primary time I’ve truly cried for the reason that begin of the varsity 12 months. Discovering that your intestine feeling is unsuitable, that one thing you wished so badly doesn’t need you again, makes you query your actuality, your belonging and your high quality as a human being. I name my mother and communicate to her as greatest I can in my state of being a moist, foolish mess. She does a superb job of not saying something, simply listening with unhappy eyes. Ultimately, I grasp up and spend the remainder of the day combing via recuperate from misaligned expectations and actuality.

I may attempt to blame the illusive “algorithm,” or blame the sorority I wished, or blame myself for not being ok. My first few hours have been spent on the latter possibility. However I don’t wish to really feel anger concerning the scenario, or any entitlement that I ought to at all times get what I need. Nothing about me as an individual modified from going via the recruitment course of. I answered each query I used to be requested actually, and regardless of how the end result modified my notion of the conversations I had, they nonetheless had worth and taught me new classes. I’ve nice pals, who made my first two quarters at Stanford such a constructive expertise, they usually haven’t disappeared from my life. There may be nonetheless the concern that I’ll be lacking out, and there nonetheless is lingering insecurity, however I selected to undergo recruitment as a result of I wished to search out individuals who mutually help and uplift each other. That chance can definitely exist via Greek life, however isn’t unique to it both. 

When it comes to discovering the fitting neighborhood for me, I’m not in any rush (no pun supposed).

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